Memoirs of an Evil Vizier
Greetings, dear readers. You know me only as a humble reseller of preowned magic carpets and purveyor of highly innovative though widely underappreciated musical novelties. Yet the simple, unassuming personage I present to the public is but a dusting of sand at the foot of a great dune.
This is my secret history, to be unsealed only after my death.
Once upon a time, under a name that I shall not disclose even here, I was the palace’s most prized supplier of odalisques; and by dint of my exceptional taste in feminine creatures, I slowly slipped into the sultan’s circle, where my admirable attributes earned me the unspoken title of shadow vizier to the sultana herself.
I had no choice but to conceal my role in the Redhead Extinction War; for threats of retaliation from eunuchs were ever present; like a genie locked in a dark lamp, the sultan remained unaware the sultana and I were the true powers behind the throne.
After years of service, the sultana granted my request to change my name and adopt the simple guise of a magic carpet dealer, that I might live in safety and peace and spare an hour here or there for musical creation–provided I promise to return to her side in times of need.
In this secret history I shall share the most memorable recollections from my time as shadow vizier, as well as many sexual secrets confided to me by the most desirable odalisques, and many pearls of Oriental wisdom that I have gathered in the course of my perhaps excessively astonishing adventures.
Continue reading Chapter One: The Joy of Slaving
Memoirs of an Evil Vizier
Prelude: Greetings, Dear Reader…
Chapter One: The Joy Of Slaving
Chapter Two: The Reeducation Of An Occidental Virgin
Chapter Three: How To Harvest Buried Ginger
Chapter Four: Skin Care Secrets Of Professional Slavers
Chapter Five: Anthropogenic Cranial Shrinkage And Other Underappreciated Threats To Civilization
Chapter Seven: Slaver On Holiday
Chapter Eight: Odalisque Autopsy
Chapter Nine: Alternative Medicine
Chapter Ten: A Brief History Of Paranormal Cosmetology
Chapter Eleven: How To Simulate A Small Zombie Apocalypse, Part I: Haunting Your Local Hammam
Chapter Thirteen: Procedures Of The Imperial Harem Administration
Chapter Fourteen: Default Contract
Chapter Fifteen: Everything You Need To Know About Planting Zombies In Your Harem Garden
Chapter Seventeen: Proven Techniques For The Door-To-Door Solicitation Of Royal Patronage
Chapter Eighteen: The Five Best Places To Go Trespassing With Your Stolen Odalisque
Chapter Nineteen: An Incredible Calamity Almost Beyond My Considerable Ability To Initiate
Chapter Twenty: A Star Is Shorn
Chapter Twenty-One: Triple Vizier
Music
Read an introduction to my music, or skip directly to my discography
Other Writing
Natural Encounters – a brief science fiction tale of high simpery.
The Hokkaido Incel Gulag – a science fiction tale of near-future matriarchy.
Dispelling Beauty Lies – the truth about feminine beauty, including practical advice for women
Trust Networks – how we actually know things
Ultrahumanism – A middle path through the jungle of modern and future technology.
Against Good Taste – an essay on aesthetics and social signaling
A Pragmatical Analysis Of Religious Beliefs – are pragmatism and belief opposites?
Critique of the Mind-Body Problem – it's not solvable
The Computer-Simulation Theory Is Silly – GPWoo
End Attached Garages Now – a manifesto
Milgram Questions – what they are and how to call them out