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Memoirs of an Evil Vizier

Memoirs of an Evil Vizier

Greetings, dear readers. You know me only as a humble reseller of preowned magic carpets and purveyor of highly innovative though widely underappreciated musical novelties. Yet the simple, unassuming personage I present to the public is but a dusting of sand at the foot of a great dune.

This is my secret history, to be unsealed only after my death.

Once upon a time, under a name that I shall not disclose even here, I was the palace’s most prized supplier of odalisques; and by dint of my exceptional taste in feminine creatures, I slowly slipped into the sultan’s circle, where my admirable attributes earned me the unspoken title of shadow vizier to the sultana herself.

I had no choice but to conceal my role in the Redhead Extinction War; for threats of retaliation from eunuchs were ever present; like a genie locked in a dark lamp, the sultan remained unaware the sultana and I were the true powers behind the throne.

After years of service, the sultana granted my request to change my name and adopt the simple guise of a magic carpet dealer, that I might live in safety and peace and spare an hour here or there for musical creation–provided I promise to return to her side in times of need.

In this secret history I shall share the most memorable recollections from my time as shadow vizier, as well as many sexual secrets confided to me by the most desirable odalisques, and many pearls of Oriental wisdom that I have gathered in the course of my perhaps excessively astonishing adventures.

Continue reading Chapter One: The Joy of Slaving

Memoirs of an Evil Vizier

Prelude: Greetings, Dear Reader…

Chapter One: The Joy Of Slaving

Chapter Two: The Reeducation Of An Occidental Virgin

Chapter Three: How To Harvest Buried Ginger

Chapter Four: Skin Care Secrets Of Professional Slavers

Chapter Five: Anthropogenic Cranial Shrinkage And Other Underappreciated Threats To Civilization

Chapter Six: How To Recover An Escaped Sex Slave Whose Shopping Adventure Is Much Longer Than Practically Necessary

Chapter Seven: Slaver On Holiday

Chapter Eight: Odalisque Autopsy

Chapter Nine: Alternative Medicine

Chapter Ten: A Brief History Of Paranormal Cosmetology

Chapter Eleven: How To Simulate A Small Zombie Apocalypse, Part I: Haunting Your Local Hammam

Chapter Twelve: How To Simulate A Small Zombie Apocalypse, Part II: Riot Incitement For Fun And Profit

Chapter Thirteen: Procedures Of The Imperial Harem Administration

Chapter Fourteen: Default Contract

Chapter Fifteen: Everything You Need To Know About Planting Zombies In Your Harem Garden

Chapter Sixteen: Mere Emira

Chapter Seventeen: Proven Techniques For The Door-To-Door Solicitation Of Royal Patronage

Chapter Eighteen: The Five Best Places To Go Trespassing With Your Stolen Odalisque

Chapter Nineteen: An Incredible Calamity Almost Beyond My Considerable Ability To Initiate

Chapter Twenty: A Star Is Shorn

Chapter Twenty-One: Triple Vizier


Read an introduction to my music, or skip directly to my discography

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