Journal

This journal is a daily account of my creative work. It's intended to be accurate, not entertaining. If you decide to read it you'll see how I actually write and compose. It's also freewritten, quite unlike my other writing. The ideas I express here are thoughts going through my head rather than definitive views or even solid opinions. So don't take them too seriously. To prevent AI scraping, older entries require a (free) subscription.

Listen to my most recent piece here:

June 14, 2025 - "Cold Spring"

Today was my day to call the fam and go for a run in the woods, but, my run was not very good this time even though the weather was pleasant. Was feeling low energy.

I made some further corrections to DBL and then added a new segment to The Illusion of Dominance. Then, finally, I got back to the song I'm working on. However, I didn't have much time and only wrote some lyrics. At this point I think I am going to finish the lyrics before I return to the music because they're about 80% done and it makes sense to finish the remaining 20%. Likely these will get altered later, but having them done may help to bring the song into focus so I can improve the arrangement.

At any rate, I am glad I got back to this song in some fashion before I lost the trail of it. The initial problem of lacking a center has now been completely solved and apart from a few missing verses I only need to sharpen up some of the less inspired lines and improve the uniformity so that it coheres perfectly despite the center being written unusually late.

Beyond that, I have been meditating on the stupidity of the public. The way an online mob formed to attack the appearance of a completely reasonable-looking celebrity really brought home how stupid every element of public discourse is - even the simplest thing that everyone should be able to see just by looking. There is no concern for truth anywhere, it is trends all the way down. Nobody can think, nobody can look, nobody can reflect. And my thought is that you need to have that attitude if you want to succeed in that realm. Truth can't even cross your mind. You're trend-surfing all the time, because that's what wins. It's the kind of game an honest man shouldn't even play. And yet, if you want to reach the public you do have to wade into the swamp and play it to some extent, at a severe disadvantage.

June 13, 2025 - "Cold Spring"

If you've read this journal for very long you know that I often don't do the things I plan to do. Today was one of those days. I realized that the yin-yang section I had just added to DBL made the middle of the seduction section confused, overlong, and difficult to navigate. So, I redid the indexing. This is harder than it sounds because working with this massive page is like trying to run through molasses and making updates is multi-hour fight with my web server. Then there are things that need to be checked and cross-checked to make sure the altered indexing doesn't break any links. While going through this I made a few additional improvements. Then I wrote a long thread by request. So, that's pretty much what I did today although the day isn't quite over yet so I haven't given up hope of accomplishing anything else. Nevertheless, I count it as at least a qualified success as my subscribers are growing steadily right now and as I transition over to music on Youtube that's important. When I see this growth dry up, then it will be time to cut the cord.

A general observation I wish I would have understood a long time ago. If you only wrote music and did no other work, your music would likely be better. But, no one would ever hear it. Splitting time between music and promotion is the only way to get anything heard. And if you're not getting anything heard, I question whether you're really fulfilling the vocation of an artist. You can't choose the size of your audience, which is determined by many factors out of your control, some random and some silly. But, in my view the vocation of an artist is about communication to some extent. That doesn't mean you need to please everybody but it does mean you need to try, at least in theory, to reach somebody. Maybe you don't succeed at reaching anybody and you have to go on with it anyway. Maybe God turns out to be your only audience. But, you have to at least make a good effort to reach people, even though it will sometimes compromise your ability to create. That's my view at least.

June 12, 2025 - "Cold Spring"

Today I dealt with the financial issue I mentioned yesterday, made some corrections to DBL, and reposted my new section on Twitter as well as interspersing some random thoughts. Not much to say about this but tomorrow I expect to be back to writing music.

June 11, 2025 - "Cold Spring"

Feeling worn out. This morning I realized it would be worth expanding an idea I'd stuffed into a caption of DBL into a larger argument. So, I did. This took about 10 hours. At least two of those hours were struggling with my web server. Needless to say, there wasn't much time for anything else. On top of that, I have a financial issue I have to deal with tomorrow. So, creative work is temporarily on hold. Also needless to say, I dread anything having to do with finances. I survive on a shoestring. So I will be gritting my teeth through the next day.

Why do I still bother adding anything to DBL when it's not taking off and not finding readers? Well, I want it to be perfect. It's the best thing of its kind ever written. I didn't win any prizes, I'm broke, have hardly any fans, and the wickedness of censors and the stupidity of the public have crushed almost any chance that will ever change. But, I did something great and unparalleled, and how many people can say that? That people don't recognize this genre of writing as important and valuable is their own mistake, not mine. So, I want my great thing to be perfect, because that's what I have. Eventually, I hope, I'll write another great thing, that will also, of course, go nowhere. But~

June 10, 2025 - "Cold Spring"

Feeling a bit worn out, as if I'm juggling too many things at once and desperately need to put some of them down. But, have I really been doing all that much?

Today I went back and made further improvements to the new sections of DBL. I've added around 1,000 words in the last couple weeks. I think they are in a better state now.

I also added a new paragraph to The Illusion of Dominance, which I think adds something to the argument. The idea for this occurred to me while mentally processing some things I had seen the previous day.

And, I did work on music today. Well, actually more lyrics. But, I am satisfied with what I did there. I came up with a few critical, central lines. Finally, after days of work, the lyrics for this song are coming into proper focus and starting to cohere. Initially there was just not a guiding thread. There were some visions and feelings that had promise and but didn't cohere and were pulling me in slightly different directions and ultimately lacked a center. But, I think I have found that center now. Still not clear whether it will work when all the music is laid down. That's the risk you take. It's a process with more elements than you can assemble in one swoop. So there's always a chance that you do a lot of work and end up at a dead end and it just doesn't work. I'm hoping for luck because it was rather discouraging to lose the last month due to running myself into the ground trying to mix the last piece, and I don't want it to happen again.

June 9, 2025 - "Cold Spring"

Today I woke up feeling unwell again but by the afternoon it was over and I felt pretty much fine. I think I badly messed my electrolytes up when I was running this weekend and had a couple days of headache by consequence. I was also experimenting with my diet, which clearly contributed to the problem but it's not something interesting enough to write about in detail here.

Today didn't quite go as planned. Someone wrote me with questions about a recent addition to DBL. And, when I thought over the questions and looked over the section I'd written recently I realized I hadn't covered it properly at all and there was a lot of room for misunderstanding. So, I set to revising it.

Almost nothing in DBL is in its original state. There's some rule that I always have to write it wrong the first time and come back later and rewrite it so it's correct. And, I ended up redoing all of my recent additions. Then I found a couple other things I wanted to correct. And then I had the familiar issue with my web server, which had been behaving well recently and lulled me into a false sense of security, but it wouldn't let me save my many corrections. So I had to sit there clicking the button over and over for ages and hope it didn't lose them entirely.

By the time this was all over the day had gotten away from me. Well, it's not quite over yet. I'm not ready to quit for the day so I'm now going to see if the lyrics I wrote yesterday are actually any good.

Not much progress on music today, but I'm still determined that DBL will be perfect and today I think it got closer. And, tomorrow I expect to wake up with a clear head again.

Incidentally, my podcast is close to officially off. My planned co-host is dealing with some trauma in her life and I don't think she'll be up for this anytime soon. And, my second candidate, a longtime friend, doesn't want to get involved with podcasting. Unfortunately I don't know another woman who I would trust to do this with me, either in terms of friendship or breadth of knowledge and mental quickness. I need someone I'm comfortable with who can also comfortably discuss on mic, at a minimum, every element of DBL. And even if someone came forward now it would take me a considerable time to get to know her well enough to want to do the podcast with her. Oh well. It was an idea.